How we communicate has a significant impact on our relationship. Critical, judgmental and demanding communication disconnects us and creates walls between us. Nonviolent, mindful and compassionate communication builds bridges and deeper connection between us.
Steps for creating authentic and compassionate communication. Specific concrete behaviors we observe that affect us such as “I see you texting when I am talking with you.” (Notice the observation. It is non-evaluative, non-judgmental, and non- critical) Pause (P) and exhale (E) to create space within you so you do not react and throw a judgmental and critical angry arrow at him. Example: When will you grow up? How many times do I have to say the same words again and again?) Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge them (A). Allow yourself to experience and accept them. I am really irritated. I am upset. He does not respect me. It is awful. Notice: You are no more those thoughts and feelings (non-identification). You have freed yourself from those reactive thoughts and feelings. Identify you needs, desires and values that created the disturbing thoughts and feelings Make a wise choice(C). Respond, not react. Engage (E). Invite the other person to communicate. Express your empathetic understanding and compassion for the other person. Let the other person know how and why his behavior created upsetting thoughts and feelings in you. What specific behavior you would request him to do. PEACE
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Who doesn’t lie? Yes kids do and so do adults. We as adults as our kids’ primary role models, play a vital role in showcasing honesty-instilling a deep –rooted commitment to telling the truth. Why do we lie? To get out of trouble, for personal gain, to impress or protect someone or to be polite.
Address the subject of lying in an age-appropriate way. We need to learn how to respond, not react. Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2 to 4) Toddlers do not have a clear idea between truth and lie. Toddlers are trying to display their independence and they can make a power struggle or a battle of the wills out of any disagreement. Toddlers have difficulty expressing themselves in words. Around age 4, children become more verbal. Explain what a lie is and why it is no okay to lie. Avoid confronting the child or digging for the truth unless the situation demands more probing and more attention. School Age and Big Kids (Ages 5 to 8) Children at this age will tell more lies to test how they can get away with. Regulations and responsibilities are too much for children. Involve children in formulating rules and responsibilities they can follow and perform. Talk openly and empathically to the children. School age children are good observers. Provide good role modeling. Appreciate the positive behaviors of the children and encourage them to act positively. Tweens (Ages 9 to 12) Most children this age are on their way to formulating a hardworking, trustworthy, and conscientious identity. At the same time, they are more adept at maintaining lies. They may have strong feelings after lying. Be straightforward with your child to avoid mixed messages. Teach them how to be honest and still maintain respecting attitude. Social interactions can be very challenging at this age. Children who have an established relationship with their parents feel comfortable talking and disclosing information. Taking a moment to think about why they are lying will help you to respond to their lies more helpfully. Good role models are still crucial for your children. Children give cues or signs that we need to attend to. Our child’s misbehavior is symptomatic of an underlying cause. It could be tiredness, lack of sleep or the child may be hungry. We need to address the underlying causes that give rise to the disturbing symptoms.
We focus too much on negatives and ignore positives or take them for granted. We give a negative command ‘Don’t do this or that” rather than offer an alternative and give an explanation why and how it is helpful. We expect too much from our kids, more than thy can deliver. We assume our kids know more than they can accomplish. When a child misbehaves, show him an alternative, and let him observe a better way of behaving. We provide modeling. Children learn by what we do. Apologize when you do something wrong. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. We all are accountable for our actions. Emotions are difficult to control even for us as adults. Teach them to stop, breathe, recognize and respond. At times our children do what could be irksome. We may ignore some behaviors selectively if they are not harmful. When safety is not an issue, try watchful waiting. When you ask them to stop something that causes disruption, do not ignore, or react. Show them a yellow light and if they cross the line, they need to follow the consequences. They may lose the privilege of watching the TV until they do what they need to do. Do not give them vague warnings. Be clear and firm. Use time-out effectively. Do not use it as punishment or rejection, but use it for your child to calm down and reflect. It helps to hold a child to settle him down. It also helps to co-breathe with your child when she is upset or angry. Different children respond differently. We need to figure out what works for our child. Mindfulness is paying attention non-judgmentally to what is happening internally and externally. There are four dimensions of mindfulness: Body Mindfulness, breath Mindfulness, Thoughts Mindfulness and Mindfulness of Feelings and Emotions. Practicing mindfulness also includes Mindful Eating, Mindful Walking, Mindful Talking, Mindful Listening and Mindfully Relating. We will have nine short video presentations of Practicing Mindfulness.
Let us begin with Body Mindfulness. Let us sit on the floor or in a chair in an upright position, our head, neck, and back placed in alignment. If you feel comfortable, gently close your eyes or gently glaze on the floor. Sitting this way makes our body grounded, relaxed and alert. Take slow, deep and gentle breaths. You may place your hand on your belly. Notice the movements of your belly as you are breathing in and out slowly, gently and deeply. Let us take five deep breaths. Pay your total attention to your body right from your toes to the top of your head. Our body is a gift of God. It is very precious. Scan your body in a compassionate and friendly way. Become aware of different bodily sensations you are experiencing at this moment. Some of them may be pleasant and some of them may be unpleasant. Without judging them, be mindful of the play of different sensations you are experiencing at this moment. You may notice your bodily sensations changing. Continue breathing slowly, gently and deeply. Notice how the energy flows in your body. Remain open to receive feedback from your body as you are slowly journeying through your body. If you feel tension in any part of the body, feel it non judgmentally, relax the parts of your body where you feel tension. Continue your belly breathing. Pay attention to your eyes. Allow them to settle down slowly, slowly, slowly. Notice changes taking place in your eyes as you are breathing in and out slowly. Notice how the movements in your eyes are fading away. They are getting quieter. You experience stillness growing in your eyes. Mindfulness is being fully present to what’s happening at the present moment in me and around me compassionately and non-judgmentally; what is here and now without being hijacked by the past that is already gone and the future which is yet to arrive. We live in a fast-paced world with a mart phone in our hand and a lap top in the front of us. No wonder why we do not find time to be with us and with others in our life. Practicing mindfulness helps to be focused and centered to be with ourselves and with others in deeper and more meaningful way.
The roots of mindfulness are in the ancient wisdom tradition of Buddhism. Buddhism offers us a way of understanding and alleviating suffering. In that way mindfulness is secular. One does not have to be a Buddhist or a Hindu to learn and practice Mindfulness. Jon Kabat- Zinn introduced Mindfulness in Mindfulness-Based- Stress Reduction Program at the Medical School of Massachusetts University in Boston 35 years ago. Since then Mindfulness paradigm has been widely accepted and practiced by medical and mental health practitioners, schools, prisons and for treating veterans for post- traumatic stress disorder. Thousands of research studies have demonstrated physical, mental, and emotional benefits of practicing Mindfulness. Ingredients of Healthy and Peaceful Relationship:
1. Connection, bonding, healthy attachment 2. Self-regulation. Regulate you own emotions. 3. Accept all emotions. Limit actions. 4. Empathize. Acknowledge child’s perspective. The child feels understood and feels safe to express his emotions and feelings. Listen to the child’s feelings. 5. Listen to your child’s vulnerable and threatening feelings. Encourage to express them. 6. Anger is mostly a defense against deeper feelings of hurt and disappointment. 7. Do not take it personally and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate. Mantra: This is not an emergency. Pause, breathe and respond. Do not react. 8. Don’t send a child away to calm down. 9. Help your child to be aware of her triggers and warning signs. 10. Teach him to pause and breathe. 11. Teach constructive problem solving. Emotional Intelligence Emotional engagement Happiness and delight Empathy and compassion Self- esteem and self –worth Persistence Optimism I can do it. Resiliency This time honored simple yet powerful technique of relaxation is easy to learn and practice. Even five minutes of this mindfulness breathing exercise leads us to a deep state of relaxation, calmness, serenity and wellbeing.
When you do this exercise, you may progressively start with the lower parts of the body and end with your head. It is a good idea to conclude the exercise by letting the whole body breathe. The success of this exercise depends on how consistently and regularly you practice it even for a short time. “The intimacy that arises in listening and speaking truth is only possible if we can be open to the vulnerability to our own hearts. Breathing in, connecting to the life that is right here, is our first step. Once we have held ourselves with kindness, we can touch others in a vital and healing way.” –Tara Brach
Listening to oneself silently is a profound dimension of awakening and awareness, a way of knowing the truth of our self and being intimate with our self. Listening silently to the other is a profound way of knowing the other and being intimate with the other. Genuine bonding takes place when we listen to our self silently and deeply and the other silently and deeply. Silent and deep listening has the following qualities: curiosity, caring, compassion, courage, friendliness, non-judging, interest, openness and receptivity. We can wisely respond to the other if we silently and deeply listen to the other. Why do we not listen to our self and other silently and deeply? Not enough time? Preoccupied mind? Fear of finding something we do not want to see? Fear of changing our default habitual patterns? Hearing the truth? Fear of being our true self? Intentionality is the door that opens the door to listening. I intend to listen silently and deeply to uncover myself, to know the different layers of myself and become an integrated whole and wholesome person. Exercise: Bring to your mind someone you know who is a good listener. What qualities do you see in that person that helps you to be open to that person? Explore how such an experience helps you to be yourself and be connected with that person. Exercise: Bring to your mind someone you know who is not a good listener. What qualities you see in that person that blocks the flow of communication between both of you? What can you do to remove that barrier between both of you? Have an anchor to cultivate the skills of deep and silent listening. Use your breath as an anchor to be consciously present. When the mind wanders, bring it back to your breathing. Listen with the ears of your caring, open and compassionate heart. |
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