There are times to hold on and there are times to let go. Our growth, like a tree, requires both roots and branches-the horizontal and vertical dimensions of growth. Like trees, we need to have barks to protect ourselves. We need protective structures and boundaries as we go through the delicate process of growth. Like trees, we need to let go of the barks when they are no more needed. We need to let go of our protective defenses when they become restrictive and constrain our growth. It is not easy to step out of our comfort zone to make room for further growth. It is wise for us not to carry the boat on our head when we are no more in the river. Such an awakened state of self-awareness frees us from the trap we create in our lives.
It is difficult to get out of that zone that makes us feel secured and at ease. We also get stuck with the painful experiences and feelings of our past relationships and our hurts. We all have the shadow that part of ourselves we do not like or are scarred of. Running away from me, hiding it from myself and from the significant people in my life is not the right way to heal myself and grow from my experiences. I am the one who is keeping me in my prison. We all go through the dual aspects of ourselves: wanting and not wanting, liking and disliking, ebb and flow, darkness and light, gains and losses, hope and despair, life and death. How do I transcend this dualistic mode of living to become a whole and an integrated person? This is a challenge for all of us. In order to be illumined, I need to go through the dark side, the shadow, of myself. Avoiding it, fighting it, hiding it or running away from it is not the right answer. I need to face it, go through it and release it, let it go. We transcend, go beyond the stuck energy within and between ourselves This is a process of freeing me form me. This is the ultimate freedom. This self-work is the key to living fully. It is described in different ways, such as” Be, here and now”, “Living in the Being Zone”, “The Now Consciousness”. It is usually” a road less traveled”.
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The goal of interpersonal communication is to learn and practice how to respond without causing reactive behaviors, We need to learn how to initiate and sustain connectedness, how to maintain the clear flow of communication and relationship. The following tips are to help us be mindful of the two inter related processes involved in interpersonal communication.
Tips for talking. Talking is genuinely other-oriented. Do not bring your ego- boosting stuff when the other person talks. Do not interject your own story. Proving that one is right is counter- productive. It breaks the connection with the other person. Speak mindfully so as not to arouse anger, fear, shame, humiliation, inferiority or guilt in the other person. Paraphrase or summarize succinctly what the other person is saying to remain engaged with the other person. This continues the flow of communication. Incorporate poses into your speech to allow the other person to put his input, to co-create if there is a desire. Make I statements to express your needs, feelings and thoughts. Such a mode of communication prevents accusatory, blaming, humiliating and faultfinding expressions. Try to avoid using words and body language which are bound to evoke a reactive response. Tips for listening Don’t think of a response while listening. The other person senses it and it disrupts the flow of communication. Be fully present. Maintain consistent eye contact. Do not engage in multiphasic behaviors while you are listening. This is sure way of losing the other person. Ask open-ended questions to expand or enrich what the other person is saying, or helping him to view the situation from a different perspective. It helps the other person gain insights. Do not patronize. Do not take a stance of I know it all or I have an answer to what you are going to say. Do not interrupt. Become a patient listener. Create a space with attentive silence. This way, the other person feels deeply heard. Let the other person feel that you are a co-traveler in the process of communication. It builds the bridges. Listening to the person earnestly and compassionately is a way of serving the other person. It meets the need of a human being to be bonded and connected. Empathy is discovering and understanding the other person’s perspective, his needs and feelings to guide our actions. A revolutionary shift has taken place in postulating the nature of human nature. The old view that the human nature is basically bad and self-centered is being replaced by the research made by psychologists, sociologists, historians, evolutionary biologists and neuroscientists. Their research has shed a new light on the basic nature of human nature. We are also homo empathicus wired for empathy, social cooperation and mutual aid. We are social beings naturally evolved to take care of each other, just like our primate cousins.
We are primed for empathy by having strong attachment and bonding relationships with the care- taker in the first two years of life. The good news is that we can nurture empathy through out our lives. We can make empathy as an attitude and an important part of our daily life. Research studies of empathic personalities have identified the following six characteristics of empathic persons: 1. They have genuine curiosity about strangers, persons out of their social circle. Such curiosity expands our empathy circle. They show an earnest interest to understand the world inside the mind of the other person. 2. They challenge their own preconceptions and prejudicial labels about people different from themselves. For example, “ Muslims are fundamentalists”; “ Homeless people are lazy and parasites”, “ The well-fare mom”. Have courage to chat with a stranger with a curious and open mind once a week. You will find a lot of commonalities between you and them-the same needs, the same aspirations and the same pains and sufferings. We discover humanness in people who apparently look so different from us. 3. They implement experiential empathy learning model. Peace core workers are a good example of such empathy learning. We may have information and bookish knowledge of people who are different from us. What is missing in our education is the experiential component of real and significant learning. We need to be reminded of John Dewey’s words of wisdom: “ All genuine education comes about through experience.” 4. Listen hard and attentively and open up. This is the radical art of listening. As Marshall Rosenberg says, “ Empathy is our ability to be present to what’s going on within the other person-the unique feelings and needs the person is experiencing in the very present moment.” We need to grasp their emotional state and needs at the present moment. 5. Inspire change on a personal and inter personal level, class -room level, home level and on a community level. We need to plant the seeds of empathy in our children and they will flower on a larger scale. Canada’s pioneering program Roots of Empathy is one of the most effective programs for teaching empathy to schoolchildren. Research shows the positive impact of this program on children’s social and emotional intelligence, decline in aggression and improving their academic learning. 6. They do not interrogate or examine people of differences. They show genuine curiosity to develop deep understanding and relationship. Such open- hearted communication and interaction helps them examine their own limitations, biases and preconceived notions. It opens avenues for both sides to learn from each other and grow within and between. Parenting our children has become quite difficult in the fast moving, complex and stressful world we live in. Enjoying carefree, safe and stress free childhood has become difficult for our children. We love our children and want the best in their lives. We are interdependent and interconnected. What affects our children affects us. What affects us affects our children. We need a stress-free and mindful mindset to see, understand and respond to our children.
Mindfulness Parenting offers us such a new perspective for working on ourselves and relating to our children. Mindfulness simply means paying nonjudgmental and compassionate attention to the full spectrum of our inner world and awareness of the inner world of our child. It is all about cultivating our attention and awareness of the field of our experience and our child’s experience or some specific elements of the field of the experience. Such a mindset helps us to be authentic, trustworthy and dependable in our child’s eyes and helps the child to be authentic, trustworthy and dependable in our eyes. Healthy relationship grows and blossoms in such an understanding, authentic and nurturing environment- an environment in which we do not react but respond to each other. We feel cared for and not neglected, accepted and not rejected, healed and not hurt. The ingredients of mindfulness are nonjudgmental awareness, calmness, clarity and compassion. When we practice mindfulness to work on ourselves and to work on inter-personal issues that cause and continue frustration, irritation, despair and anxiety, we come to a clearer and empathic understanding of each other. We join hands with each other to remove the walls between each other and build a bridge of empathic understanding and make wise choices to resolve the distressing issues. We use our energy creatively and constructively. Intrapersonal and interpersonal relationship is an ongoing learning and growing process of cultivating and sustaining connectedness, an intimate relationship. Relating to oneself and to the other requires our full presence to ourselves and to the other person.. Mindfulness is an intentional and nonjudgmental awareness of what is happening in the present moment, the existential awareness, of myself in relationship with the other person. It requires our bare and full attention to ourselves and the other person.
Unconditional positive regard, empathy and compassion, and authenticity and congruence are the essential components of such mutually growing relationship. In order to cultivate these competencies, we need to practice sitting mindfulness, taking time out from our ever- busy and stressful life. This is our quite time to be present to ourselves to be mindful of our inner landscape. It is a holistic mindfulness of our body-body scan-, bodily sensations, breathing, thoughts feelings and emotions arising in us. We compassionately listen to, notice and become aware of our changing inner world. Such sitting mindfulness practice helps us to be free from our consciousness stuck with the past hangover and future worries and anxieties. It opens up fresh and new doors of perception; understanding and insight which helps us act constructively. Quiet mind, clear mind helps us make creative, constructive and wise choices. We need to practice sitting mindfulness in our relationships with ourselves and others. Sitting mindfulness practice helps us to remain mindful and centered in our transactions with others in our life. Become mindful of the impact of behavior of the other, your friend, teacher, family member on you. When you remain mindful of your inner world at that time, remain centered and mindfully respond to the other (not react), you create a bridge of understanding and working together. Our transactions do not result in power struggle and disconnect. 1. In a hyper connected world, bombarded by multiple forms of stimulation, how can we be aware of the quiet gifts that the present moment has to offer? What are those gifts? Cultivating mindfulness practice can be a powerful way to train our minds and tune into the beauty of here and now. When we take a few minutes to observe our breath, or eat a meal with silent attentiveness or read a book with full attention the subtle impact of such mindfulness practice carries far reaching ripples, within and without.
2. Mindfulness tunes out unwanted distractions. It helps the wandering mind or the monkey mind to be centered and focused. When we multitask, we weaken our brain’s ability to filter out important from irrelevant inputs. Taking time to be mindful can regulate brain waves that focus the mind and screen out unwanted distractions. 3. Mindfulness calms the mind. Mindfulness practice releases the tension in the body and also the mind. Mindfulness practice can help us embrace our worries, our fears, our anger and that is very healing. We need to genuinely learn the art of resting, relaxing and that way restoring our energy. Mindfulness practice reduces rumination, anxiety and stress. 4. Mindfulness inspires us to be compassionate and altruistic. “It is in giving we receive” –Saint Francis of Assisi. A growing body of brain research shows that we are hard wired to be kind. Mindfulness practice enables us to drop into our natural inclination to help. Research at Northeastern and Harvard studied the link between mindfulness and compassion. Extend your loving kindness to yourself, to others.-Words of wisdom from wisdom traditions. 5. Mindfulness helps us feel good about helping others. It also ignites a deeper joy within us while we do it. Research shows that helping behavior could be predicted by two specific aspects of mindfulness: the ability to focus on the present moment-present- focused attention- and maintaining a non-judgmental acceptance of thoughts and experiences. Help others as you help yourself. Love your neighbor as you love yourself- Words of wisdom from wisdom traditions. 6. Mindfulness enables us to show our authenticity. By practicing mindfulness, we develop a more nuanced awareness of who we truly are. We need to feel in order to heal. We need to learn to accept ourselves compassionately and non-judgmentally in order to discover and know our true self. All wisdom traditions remind us “to know thyself.” It is by losing yourself, you find yourself.-Words of wisdom from wisdom traditions. Evolutionary thinkers, social scientists and psychologists speculate that the social brain and social prowess-not cognitive superiority or physical advantage-may be what allowed Homo sapiens to eclipse other humanoids.
The major functions of the social brain-interaction skills and synchrony, empathy, social cognition, and concern for others-all suggest strands of social intelligence We are wired to connect. Neuroscience has discovered that our brain’s very design makes us sociable. Science now tracks connections between the kind of relationships and the operation of specific genes that activate T-cells, the immune system’s foot soldiers that regulate our immune system. The link has a double-edged sword: nourishing relationships have a beneficial impact on our heath while toxic relationships act like slow poison in our bodies. We all have capacities within us to manage our own emotions and work on our interpersonal relationships. Our social interactions play a role in reshaping our brain though neuroplasticity. Repeated experiences sculpt the shape, size and number of neurons and their synaptic connections. They refashion our brain. Our positive relationships can buffer us from medical and mental health disorders. Our human connections seem increasingly under siege. There is a spike in violence. Healthy inter actions between real people are slowly declining. Humans around the world are connecting- and disconnecting- as technology offers more outlets. People are everywhere, somewhere and at times nowhere! Constant digital connectivity keeps us busy. Working, even when we are on vacation. Emotions are contagious. We “catch” strong emotions. We can make each other feel better or worse. Beyond what transpires in the moment, we can retain a mood that stays with us long after the direct encounter ends-an emotional afterglow or “afterglower” or hangover. When we encounter danger or even anticipate or think about danger, the amygdala, an almond- shape area in the mid brain triggers fight, flight or freeze response to danger, shepherding our thoughts, attention and perception toward whatever has made us afraid. The give and take of feelings in every transaction is termed emotional economy. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has done the pioneering work in the field of nonviolent communication.
The purpose of nonviolent communication is to contribute to the well-being of the persons involved in the relationship. It is aimed at relating to each other with authenticity, empathy, compassion and openness. It is meant to connect with each other without judgment, to resolve dividing differences and build human bridges. Four Steps The following four interrelated steps are involved in learning and practicing nonviolent communication. 1. Describe the specific behavior of the person that has caused disturbing feelings in you. Describe such a behavior without using evaluating, judgmental and labeling words or phrases. For example: you are a liar; you are rude and insensitive; you don’t care; you never listen; you will never learn; you are a nag; you are a jerk etc. Such expressions invariably result in reactive, defensive, avoiding, distancing and alienating behaviors. In other words, they are counter- productive. We need to change our vocabulary and the ways we communicate our feelings. The right way of communicating would be specific, clear, descriptive and to the point. For example: When I talk, you interrupt me before I finish my sentence. You do not look at me when I talk. You do not follow what we agreed upon. Describe the specific situation rather than describe it in generality. All of us have intrinsic native goodness and wholeness in us. This is the ground of being from which arises compassion, kindness, love and intuitive knowing. The actualization of this innate potential is affected by the environment we are exposed to. If we are blessed to having loving, caring, wholesome, and nurturing environment, our potential blossoms relatively easily. But when we are exposed to chronic growth restricting, punitive and distressful environment, our growth potential gets adversely affected. The outer environment affects the inner environment. The potential to be whole gets fractured.
Mindfulness practice is an inner work and relational work. We need to bring mindfulness to seven interrelated areas of our life; physical, breathing, mental, emotional, social, natural and spiritual. We need to set aside quality time to mindfully explore these seven significant aspects of our life. We need to practice it regularly, consistently and patiently. It is a good idea to do sitting formal mindfulness practice in a quiet place to avoid disruptions and distractions. Acceptance is not passive. It is not cowardly. It is not aggressive. It is not submissive. It is not withdrawing from action. It is not resigning. It is not being a door mat.
Mindfulness practice of acceptance is a courageous act of being with what is inside of us. This is the time to pause (P) rather than react. It is time for us to take a few breaths. (E) We allow ourselves to recognize (R) our thoughts and feelings. It is an inner work. If I feel anger in me, I label the feeling as anger. If I feel anxious, I label the feeling as anxiety. If I feel sad, I label feeling as sadness. If I feel hurt, I label feeling of getting hurt. I do not become that feeling. (NI) I do not become that thought. We also become mindful of our bodily sensations and relax. Acceptance (A) is the quality of presence. It is accepting nonjudgmentally what is unfolding within us. By processing our inner world of bodily sensations, thoughts and feelings mindfully, we become free from our conditioned and default mode of thinking and behaving. When we practice mindfulness, a shift takes place from focusing on the other’s behaviors to the impact of the other’s behavior on us. Mindfulness creates an open space within us to empathically understand ourselves and the other person in our relationship. We objectively investigate (I) and inquire for a clear understanding of ourselves and others involved in the transactions. Mindfulness practice is an exercise in cultivating non-resistance. It opens our mind and heart. We invite ourselves to be with ourselves to learn how to make wise choices. (C) We do this inner work compassionately. It is always a good idea to do interpersonal mindfulness work in our relationship. Aggressing, avoiding and ignoring each other, distancing from each other, giving a silent treatment, blaming oneself or the other or pretending everything is OK is not the wholesome way of resolving problems. We engage (E) ourselves with each other by inviting to do mindfulness practice with each other. We let the other person know what my need, value or desire not fulfilled by the other person, how I felt and request to be mindful of my need, value and desire in future. We invite the other person to do the same. Such work creates and sustains authentic and compassionate healthy relationships. We learn to accept each other’s differences without crating distances. We learn how to be kind to each other and forgive ourselves and others in our relationship. We build bridges of respectful and loving relationships. We enhance each other. We blossom together. P stands for Pause E stands for Exhale (Deep breathing) R stands for Recognizing NI stands for Not Identifying A stands for Acknowledging and Accepting I stands for investigating and inquiring C stands for Compassion, Clarity and Choice Making E stands for Engagement PEACE RAIN |
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