​Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has done pioneering work in the field of nonviolent communication.

Purpose 
The purpose of nonviolent communication is to contribute to the well-being of the persons involved in the relationship. It is aimed at relating to each other with authenticity, empathy, compassion and openness. It is meant to connect with each other without judgment, to resolve dividing differences and build human bridges. 

Four Steps 
The following four interrelated steps are involved in learning and practicing nonviolent communication. 

1.  Describe the specific behavior of the person that has caused disturbing feelings in you. Describe such a behavior without using evaluating, judgmental and labeling words or phrases. For example: you are a liar; you are rude and insensitive; you don’t care; you never listen; you will never learn; you are a nag; you are a jerk; how can I trust you? Such expressions invariably result in reactive, defensive, avoiding, distancing and alienating behaviors. In other words, they are counter- productive. We need to change our vocabulary and the ways we communicate our feelings. The right way of communicating would be specific, clear, descriptive and to the point. For example: When I talk, you interrupt me before I finish my sentence. You do not look at me when I talk. You do not follow what we agreed upon. Describe the specific situation rather than describe it in generality. 
2. Make I feeling statements. For example, when you do not do what you said you would, I feel frustrated and upset. I feel disappointed. Feelings words are different from thinking words. For example: I feel you are not listening to me. I feel that he is angry. 
3. Make I need statements. I felt upset when you did not listen to me. I need you to attend to me when I speak. I need to be recognized. Needs and feelings make us alive. How we express our needs and feelings makes our  communication and our relationship helpful or hurtful, constructive or destructive. 
4. Make a request and not a demand. Request: I would like you to look at me when I talk. I would like you to be fully present when I talk. Demand: Look at me when I talk to you. Do not text messages when I talk.

Empathic Connection 
What do I want the other person to do for me? What does the other person want me to do for him? How do we create and sustain our connection? This requires connecting with the needs and feelings of each other. Empathy for oneself and empathy for the other person is one of the most important ingredients of connecting with ourselves and with each other. Empathy is the language of the heart, not of the head. Empathy creates aliveness in our communication. It creates aliveness in us and in the other person. We feel someone cares for us and is willing to understand what we are going through without passing judgment. 

What are my needs that are not fulfilled? How do I feel about it? When we explore ourselves empathically, compassionately and authentically, we understand ourselves and work on ourselves. What does the other person want me to do? What are his needs that are not fulfilled? And how does he feel about it? When we explore ourselves in relationship with each other, we become more alive and explore ways and means of sustaining this aliveness in our relationship. We make it sure we do not blame us or the other person for not having our relationship alive. Blame, guilt, shame, humiliation block the flow of aliveness in our communication and relationship. 

Communication is a bipolar process. Both of you, the receiver and the giver, will have an empathic and open minded stance in listening to each other. Both of you will reveal your inner world of unfulfilling needs and feelings to each other. Both of you will implement the model of nonviolent communication: describe the specific behavior displayed, specific feelings experienced, specific needs fulfilled or not fulfilled, and request to fulfill mutual needs. 

In empathic communication, we remain fully present with each other. Our body language, our eyes, our posture, the words we use and the tone of our voice are powerful indicators of our empathic connection. Am I fully with you? - is an important awareness question for us in empathic connection. This is a very potent aspect of communication. 

What we need to change in us and between us can be explored with each other openly and compassionately. Change within ourselves and the other person takes time. It can be done slowly but steadily in the environment of empathy and positive regard. This way, we contribute to the well-being of each other and make our relationship fulfilling. 

It will be very helpful to share and discuss one specific experience you have had with someone in your family. Apply this model of nonviolent communication and see how it works. It is a good idea to keep a journal recording what worked, how it worked and what you learned from your experience.

Our intention in interpersonal communication and relationship is to understand and to be understood empathically and compassionately. In order to realize this intention follow the following steps: 

1. Identify the specific observations or events you want to discuss. 
2. Express your feelings about events without accusing the other person in the relationship. 
3. Investigate and identify the deeper human needs that need to be met.
   
4. Request, not demand, to fulfill your needs. 
5. Focus on creating a quality of connection that is conducive to collaboration. Connect before you correct. The less blame and criticism in our words, the easier it will be for others to hear us. We are not trying to win or prove them wrong. 

Empathy
True empathy is three dimensional.

1. Cognitive or intellectual dimension for understanding another.
   
2. Affective or emotional empathy means being able to feel what the other person is feeling.
   
3. Somatic dimension. The ability to sense another’s experience in an embodied way. This is visceral, gut-level understanding. Chronic angry, fearful , anxious and hopelessness feelings damage the brain, block airways, rip muscles, crack bones, damage teeth, cause headaches and heartaches. 

Lack of empathy creates separation in relationships. How do we face this challenge and create building blocks in relationships? 

The first step is connecting more deeply with our own experience through Mindfulness. Self-awareness is the basis for empathic connection. As we experience the inner landscape of our own life, so grows our ability to understand the inner lives of others.
The following are the building blocks of interpersonal communication or dialogue. 

1. Silent empathic presence-listening, “feel into” what the other is saying.
   
2. Paraphrase. After listening, summarize the gist of what you have heard, the key features of what you have heard.
   
3. Empathetic reflection. After listening check that you got it right. This may include what they need and how they feel. How can you feel them heard? 

Marshall Rosenberg points out four key aspects of non-violent communication. 

1. We learn to phrase actual observations that are most relevant to a situation.
   
2. The emotions associated with these events, the deeper needs and concerns from which these feelings arose. 
3. Specific requests that might move the conversation forward. What happened? How do you feel about it? What makes you feel about it? Where do we go from here?
   
4. Specific requests for cultivating wholesome relationships.

In order to achieve a goal we need to cultivate determination. Setting the right goal is very important. In order to achieve the goal we have to walk on the path with determination. If we want to reach the top of the mountain we need to keep on climbing with a firm determination.

Sometimes we may lose our hope for attaining our goal. We may feel despair and think, it is impossible to go any farther. Will you become apathetic or will you stand up with an unyielding spirit? The battle is decided by firm determination.

When we have chosen a path to pursue the goal, we move steadily toward our chosen path, step by step, whether or not others are watching us, We meet difficulty with the steady relentless strength of ceaselessly flowing water. Such firmness of purpose, such integrity and perseverance builds a foundation that can never be compromised.

Having a firm solid resolve is what secures the path of victory. Dedication helps our resolve to continue. Build life from inside out. Let not outside forces control you.

Start with a goal that is relatively easy to accomplish. Then select a little difficult one. And keep on selecting and working on goals that have increasing difficulty. It is like climbing on a mountain. The supreme goal is attaining Enlightenment. Reflect on the following questions as you are walking on this spiritual path:

1. Have you lost hope when you don’t make progress on your path?
2. Are you hesitant or unsure about moving on the path?
3. Are you resisting your efforts to move on?
4. Do you feel stuck or deadlocked?
5. Have you become complacent and not to rock the boat?

Get help from advanced fellow travelers and be grateful to them. Practice Mindfulness Meditation regularly.

​In life when we feel we have reached a limit, that’s when the true battle begins to go beyond the self-restricting limit. When we decide to live each moment fully, with all our might, to live true to ourselves and make the present moment shine, we discover and bring forth immense and unlimited strength.

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Brian Conroy is a story teller and an excerpt from his book - Stepping Stones is published here. Following  is my reflection to it:

Such simple and easy to understand stories teach a profound spiritual lesson. When we offer a gift from our heart without expecting any reward, it becomes an abundant offering. When a poor old woman heard that the Buddha was accepting offerings she had already eaten half of the pomegranate. The only thing she had to offer was the other half of that pomegranate. It was a meager offering but it had the deepest abundance. It is indeed a gift from the heart and that way it was priceless.

Serving others with no axe to grind. This is the heart of the Karma Yoga narrated in the Bhagavad Gita. This is my understanding of spiritualty. It lifts us from a lower self to a higher self. I practice Karma Yoga in my life by sharing what I have with others mostly in the form of teaching without expecting any reward in return. This way of living feels my heart with deep joy, contentment, and fulfillment.

Reading such stories from different wisdom traditions, contemplating on them, and sharing them with others has been very helpful to me in my spiritual journey. Daily practice of mindfulness meditation and cultivating skills of compassionate living help me stay on my path. It's by giving we receive!
​
Namaste!

Attachment is a kind of emotional involvement, our desire for certain things to remain the same as they are. For example, we are in a pleasant place like a beautiful beach of the sea. We like it very much and we want to hold on to it, we get attached to it. We get attached to sensual pleasures. We get attached to someone we like or love. There is a negative side of attachment called aversion. Aversion is a kind of negative attachment.

Basically there are two faces of attachment. Our desire for the pleasant things as they are. And our desire for the unpleasant things to change. We know pleasant things will change and end. If we do not realize it and keep on craving for things that are changing or going to change or going to end, we go through mental suffering. If we realize that nothing stays forever and accept the reality, we will not suffer. It is hard to let go of attachment for things, position, power and people in our life.

We identify ourselves with things like cars, political persuation, national persuasion, sports. Such identification has its pleasant aspects but it leads into longer term suffering. I see some of my friends identifying themselves with a certain football team. No team always wins. They go through victory and defeat, ups and downs. My friends emotionally go through ups and downs along with the team’s ups and downs. Identifying ourselves with a certain team in the longer term brings suffering to us. Attachment to a person whom we love makes both persons miserable. We need to learn how to overcome our attachment caused by identifications.

The opposite of attachment is non-attachment. It’s a state of mind in which we minimize or release our attachment to whatever we are attached to. It’s a kind of equanimity, upeksha, mental state of non-attachment to the worldly wind of success or failure. It does not mean that we should not be successful or strive to be better.. It is wise not to identify with the outcomes which are not guaranteed. We find joy in the process. If the outcome is great, that's great. If the outcome is not great we accept it with equanimity and move on. Samatva Yoga uchyate. Yoga is defined as equanimity in the mind.

Non-attachment has a “near enemy”. It is indifference or disinterest, a “near enemy” of non-attachment. That’s not the right way to practice non-attachment. Indifference is like emotional divorce. “...the mind of non grasping is the essential unifying experience of freedom”-Joseph Goldstein. It's a free mind, a non-attached mind, a non-grasping and non-craving mind, a mind of non-identification. An attached mind is not free. A skillful state of mind operates in non-attachment. But it operates on the basis of kindness, compassion, empathetic joy and equanimity.

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“ Just as a flower gives out its fragrance to whoever approaches or uses it, so love from
within us radiates towards everybody and manifests as spontaneous service.”
-Swami Ramdas

Most of us find it difficult to be compassionate to ourselves and to others. Caring for
oneself and caring for others is a wise way of practicing spirituality. If I use my energy
unmindfully for taking care of others, I may do a disservice to myself. I get compassion
burnt out. I need to learn how to be balanced, even-minded. The less we dwell on
ourselves, the more sensitivity will open to the needs and feelings of others. “Every time
we hurt someone and grieve inside because of it, we are attending a valuable seminar
on sensitivity. It is a seminar at the deepest and most personal level.” says Eknath
Easwaran. Self-examination, self-honesty and self-awareness can be powerful tools for
internal transformation.

Daily Practice
“ When we take our seat on our meditation cushion we become our own monastery. We
create the compassionate space that allows for the arising of all things: sorrows,
loneliness, shame, desire, regret, frustration, happiness.” Jack Kornfield “ Take the One
Seat”
​
If you feel remorse about something you have done in the past because it has caused
harm to you or someone else, it can be helpful to acknowledge the harm it caused and
undertake a commitment to refrain from such behavior in the future. Self-compassion
and self -correction are the doorways to internal transformation. The same way, if you
feel someone has harmed you, be empathetic and compassionate to the other person.
Loving kindness-metta meditation heals the hurt caused to us and and also the hurt
caused to others.

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We have an ordinary mind which is conceptual, delusional, and dualistic. The Enlightened Mind is also known as the awakened mind. It is pure mind untarnished by dualistic concepts, unhealthy emotions, and obsessive sensations-particularly strong clinging and craving- of our ordinary mind. These obsessive thoughts and sensations are the coverings that obstruct us from realizing and manifesting our true nature like the clouds covering the sun.

Wisdom is defined as insight knowledge endowed with virtue. It abolishes the darkness
of delusion. It emerges by following the spiritual path of awakening, realizing and
manifesting our true nature. A wise mind understands the three characteristics of all
things:

1. Anicca- impermanence
2. Dukkha-dissatisfactions or suffering
3. Anatta-non-self, the understanding of sunyata-emptiness.

There are three types of pragna or wisdom:
1. Learned pragna- knowledge and wisdom acquired form books or listening to teachers.(Skt-sravana)
2. Reflective pragna-by asking questions, by using logic and reasoning until you fully understand the true nature of reality.(Skt-manana)
3. From a higher state of meditation, from direct spiritual experience. (Skt-nididhyasana)

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The Buddha considered Patience as one of the highest spiritual qualities. What is patience?
Patience means being here. Not going somewhere.
Being full present with yourself, with some other, with activities, place and time.
In a relationship, patience means embracing the present with a cool head and a warm heart.
Waiting in this moment is patience.
Waiting on others and serving others with no expectation in return is patience.
The more we are in the moment, the more patient we are, we learn faster and better.
Patience helps us from making errors.
Waiting for something yet to come in the future may cause anxiety and apprehension.
What if and when if mindset hijacks us from the present and makes us impatient.

There is an interesting story about what happens when we lose our patience and when
we are captivated by impatience. It was time to plant seeds in the garden. The father
gave a handful of seeds to grow in the garden. The son planted the seeds in the soil. He
waters them everyday. After a few days little green shoots came out from the ground.
He decided to water the green shoots two times a day so that they grow faster. His mind
was captivated by impatience. He decided to stretch the green shoots to make them
grow faster. He killed everyone of the green shoots. I want it now, not later. He paid the
price for his impatience.

The Buddha formulated the two arrows theories for understanding and reducing mental
suffering. We have two kinds of pain: physical pain and mental pain. Our physical pain
is the first arrow. It hurts. How we relate to the experience of physical pain makes the
difference. If I become anxious and worry about the physical pain I create mental pain.
This is the second arrow. The pain is in the mind. If I patiently relate to the physical
pain, acknowledge it with loving kindness, I stop the second arrow.

In one of Tolstoy’s stories, the emperor is asked three essential questions:
1. When is the most important time?
2. Who is the most important person?
3. What is the most important thing they do?

Answers:
1. Now is the most important time.
2. Not self, but the other person with you.
3.The most important thing to do is to care for the other, serve the other.

If we follow these simple rules of living our heart blossoms and our relationships also blossom.
Patient life is calmer and richer.
Patience creates good will. Impatience creates bad will. Patient lifestyle helps us to be free from anger and irritability and regrets.
We get many opportunities everyday for cultivating patience especially at our home, with our friends, neighbors and colleagues.

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Energy is the fifth Pragna Paramita. According to the Buddha suffering arises in the mind
by holding on to and getting attached to unwholesome cravings called tannaha. When
Gautam became the Buddha he wanted to teach his wisdom to the people living in
Sarnath. As he was walking on his way to Sarnath, he met a young boy. The young boy
saw the radiance on the Buddha’s face. He asked the Buddha,”What are you? Are you
a man? Are you an angel? Are you a God? “ The Buddha said,” I am the Buddha-the
awakened one.”

When do we feel uplifting energy? When do we feel down grading energy? Awakening
is one of the ways of understanding our energy. When we are “sleeping” we take wrong
steps and hurt ourselves and others in our life. When we get stuck with and attached to
unwholesome desires and cravings, we suffer and drain our energy. When we forget the
first noble truth, anicca-impermanence and live under the delusion of permanence, we
get disappointed and depressed and we drain our energy.

The Buddha taught the Noble Eightfold Path to give for reducing and ending our
self-created suffering- physical, mental, emotional, and relational.

1. Right undersing-samma ditthi
2. Right thought-samma sankalpa
3. Right speech-samma vaca
4. Right action-samma kammanta
5. Right livelihood or right earning-samma ajiva
6. Right effort-samma vayama
7. Right mindfulness-samma sati
8. Right concentration-samma samadhi

Reflect on the wise teachings of the Buddha. Use them as a mirror to see yourself,
understand yourself.
Identify what causes suffering and drains your energy.
What reduces or ends your suffering?
What creates wholesome energy?
What restores your energy?
How do you bounce back?
What inspires you?
What supports you?

Keep a journal. Spend five minutes everyday to reflect on what blossoms your energy
and what hinders your energy. Keep on working on your journal to learn from yourself
the wise ways of enhancing and preserving your energy.

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​Four Noble Truths and The Noble Eightfold Path

First Noble Truth:   We all suffer.
Second Noble Truth:  There is a cause of Suffering. The cause is unhealthy craving.
Third Noble Truth:  There is a Way to End Suffering called Dhamma-Dharma- Pada- Path of Righteous Living
Fourth Noble Truths:  Walk on The Eightfold Path Consistently. The eight parts of liberation are grouped into three essential elements of Buddhist practice- moral or ethical conduct( (sila) , mental discipline (samadhi), and wisdom (panna). Ethical conduct is based on the vast
conception of universal love and compassion for all beings. Here compassion (karuna)
represents love, charity, kindness, tolerance-the qualities of the noble heart. While
wisdom (panna) stands for the intellectual qualities of the mind, one should not be a
good-hearted fool or a hard-hearted intellect. To be perfect one has to develop both
head and heart equally.

The Noble Eightfold Path:

1. Right understanding (Samma ditthi)
2. Right thought ( Samma sankappa)
3. Right speech (Samma vaca)
4. Right action ( Samma kammanta)
5. Right livelihood ( Samma ajiva)
6. Right effort ( Samma vayama)
7. Right mindfulness ( Samma sati)
8. Right concentration (Samma samadhi)

They are to be developed simultaneously. They are linked together and each helps the
cultivation of the others.

The eightfold noble path is a way of life to be followed, practiced and developed by each
individual. It is self-discipline in body, word, and mind, self-development, and
self-purification. It has nothing to do with belief, prayer, worship, or ceremony. In that
sense, it has nothing to do which is popularly called religious. It is a Path leading to
complete freedom, happiness, and peace through moral, spiritual, and intellectual
perfection.

Four Noble Truths:
1. The Truth of Dukkha: The truth of suffering and dissatisfaction. There are
different kinds of suffering, birth, aging, sickness and death-janma, jara,vyadhi
and mrityu; not getting what we want

2. Cause of Suffering is the second Noble Truth. It is tannah, craving, desiring,
wanting or greed. Craving for things that we want and getting rid of things we
don’t want. Craving for materially, mentally, emotionally, relationally and
spiritually: craving for permanancy, and stability. We suffer when our desires do
not match reality. Origin of suffering is our mental state, craving (raga),
abhorrence or aversion (dwesha) and ignoring (agnana).

3. The Third Noble Truth. Cessation of dukkha, suffering. There is a way, an
alternative to end suffering. Suffering can be extinguished if we remove the
cause. To quote the Buddha: “ Cession of suffering , as a noble truth is this: It is
remainderless, fading and ceasing, giving up, relinquishing, letting go and
rejecting of that craving.” If we let go of craving, we can extinguish the fire of our
suffering. The fire is burning in our mind. It is mental fire. We must train our mind
in a different way. That is the Fourth Noble Truth.

4. To quote the Buddha: “ The way leading to cessation of suffering , as the
noble truth, is this: It is simply the noble eight path, that is to say right view, right
intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness,
right concentration. The Buddha taught that by learning to use our three doors ,
body, speech and mind skillfully. It would remove a lot of suffering. We can
reduce or end our suffering by controlling our body, speech and mind in ways
that help others, instead of harming them, and by generating wisdom in our mind,
we can end suffering. Therefore, true happiness is achievable through personal
endeavor.
A question is raised. Are there good wholesome cravings or desires? Desire to
live a life of virtue and non-violence, wanting to meditate, to discover peace, and
discover what we deeply and truly attain. To learn how to be fully present in the
moment.

Exercise:
What cravings can you identify in your life that might be causing unnecessary suffering?
What cravings do you need to let go?
Out of the Noble Eightfold Path, which steps you would like to work on?​

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The core of all religions is spirituality. As seekers of Truth and Peace we
practice spirituality. By practicing spirituality we cross over the flood of
suffering and reach the safety of the other shore called Nirvana, Moksha,
Liberation and Salvation. There are different ways of reaching the other
shore.
In Mahayana Buddhism , ten inner qualities are prescribed to attain Perfect
Wisdom, Pragna Paramita. The Buddhist path is a way of perfecting human
nature, both by eliminating toxic imperfections and gradually cultivating and
maturing the inner qualities of heart and mind that can help us cross over
many difficulties we face to arrive safely on the further shore.

The following ten qualities or paramis are prescribed for reaching the other
shore. (Click on each one for individual notes about it)

1. Giving
2. Compassion
3. Renunciation- letting go of attachments
4. Wisdom
5. Energy
6. Patience
7. Truthfulness
8. Determination
9. Loving Kindness-Metta,
10. Equanimity

The perfection is applied to these qualities needed to attain awakening
(jagruti), to be Buddha. One needs to cultivate and perfect these qualities
often over multiple life times. Only reading and talking about these qualities
will not take us on this path of liberation from suffering. It requires
consistent practice. Even mastering only one of the ten qualities will create
noticeable change or transformation in our consciousness. Let us begin
with one quality that you would like to cultivate in you. Check in and notice
the progress you will notice in yourself and how it has a positive impact on
your relationship with others in your life.