Anger Management

How to deal with this strong affliction affecting us in many ways? To vent or not to vent is the question.

Anger is energy. How do we use it, how do we manage it? This is a big challenge for all of us.

There are four ways we deal with anger: Release angry feelings in an intense and explosive way. Type A personalities display this pattern and these patterns become habitual. We may describe them as “hot heads”. Then there are those who consciously suppress such feelings and stuff them. We may describe them as “suppressers”. There are those who unconsciously suppress their anger-filled feelings. We may describe them as “repressors”. People who stuff their angry feelings and do not deal with them constructively often display passive aggressive behaviors. And there are those who mindfully manage their angry feelings in constructive ways. We may describe them as “cool heads”. 

Anger is a normal emotion. We need to keep an open attitude to understand and work through our anger and another person’s anger. The following ten steps are derived from numerous scientific studies made on anger.

1. Recognize and acknowledge the anger you are feeling. Denying this feeling turns inside where it festers.

2. Decide what makes you angry. Is it worth getting angry over? Ferret out the underlying cause of your angry feelings.

3. Give the “provider” the benefit of doubt.

4. Count to ten. Calm down first. Do not let your angry feelings hijack your rational mind. Respond to the anger causing situation rationally. Deep abdominal breathing helps you calm down. Learn to turn reactive behaviors into responsive behaviors.

5. Make sure your gripes and grievance are communicated without attacking the other person. Learn to make I statements to express your feelings. Avoid blaming games.

6. Develop empathic understanding by listening attentively. Let the other person feel that you understand him/her.

7. Forgive yourself and the other. Through forgiveness we once again experience the love that is the essence of our relationship. By forgiving the past, by letting it go, we embrace the present moment, the now consciousness.

8. We all make mistakes. Use them as opportunities to learn from them to avoid repeating them.

9. Become mindful of the impact of other person’s angry behavior on you. Learn to process mental stuff, your thoughts and feelings arising in you by letting them come and go without getting stuck with them. This is a mindfulness way of doing inner work to create space within you and cleanse yourself.

10. Use simple and easy to do stress management techniques to release the harmful tension built up in your mind and body. Practice such techniques consistently and regularly even when you did not go through angry experiences. Learn to pro-act before you react.