Evolutionary thinkers, social scientists and psychologists speculate that the social brain  and social prowess-not cognitive superiority or physical advantage-may be what allowed Homo sapiens to eclipse other humanoids.

 The major functions of the social brain-interaction skills and synchrony, empathy, social cognition, and concern for others-all suggest strands of social intelligence

 We are wired to connect. Neuroscience has discovered that our brain’s very design makes us sociable.

 Science now tracks connections between the kind of relationships and the operation of specific genes that activate T-cells, the immune system’s foot soldiers that regulate our immune system. The link has a double-edged sword: nourishing relationships have a beneficial impact on our heath while toxic relationships act like slow poison in our bodies. We all have capacities within us to manage our own emotions and work on our interpersonal relationships. Our social interactions play a role in reshaping our brain though neuroplasticity. Repeated experiences sculpt the shape, size and number of neurons and their synaptic connections. They refashion our brain. Our positive relationships can buffer us from medical and mental health disorders.

 Our human connections seem increasingly under siege. There is a spike in violence. Healthy inter actions between real people are slowly declining. Humans around the world are connecting- and disconnecting- as technology offers more outlets. People are everywhere, somewhere and at times nowhere! Constant digital connectivity keeps us busy. Working, even when we are on vacation. 

 Emotions are contagious. We “catch” strong emotions. We can make each other feel better or worse. Beyond what transpires in the moment, we can retain a mood that stays with us long after the direct encounter ends-an emotional afterglow or “afterglower” or hangover.

 When we encounter danger or even anticipate or think about danger, the amygdala, an almond- shape area in the mid brain triggers fight, flight or freeze response to danger, shepherding our thoughts, attention and perception toward whatever has made us afraid.

 The give and take of feelings in every transaction is termed emotional economy.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has done the pioneering work in the field of nonviolent communication.

The purpose of nonviolent communication is to contribute to the well-being of the persons involved in the relationship. It is aimed at relating to each other with authenticity, empathy, compassion and openness. It is meant to connect with each other without judgment, to resolve dividing differences and build human bridges.

Four Steps

The following four interrelated steps are involved in learning and practicing nonviolent communication.

1. Describe the specific behavior of the person that has caused disturbing feelings in you. Describe such a behavior without using evaluating, judgmental and labeling words or phrases. For example: you are a liar; you are rude and insensitive; you don’t care; you never listen; you will never learn; you are a nag; you are a jerk etc. Such expressions invariably result in reactive, defensive, avoiding, distancing and alienating behaviors. In other words, they are counter- productive. We need to change our vocabulary and the ways we communicate our feelings. The right way of communicating would be specific, clear, descriptive and to the point. For example: When I talk, you interrupt me before I finish my sentence. You do not look at me when I talk. You do not follow what we agreed upon. Describe the specific situation rather than describe it in generality.

All of us have intrinsic native goodness and wholeness in us. This is the ground of being from which arises compassion, kindness, love and intuitive knowing. The actualization of this innate potential is affected by the environment we are exposed to. If we are blessed to having loving, caring, wholesome, and nurturing environment, our potential blossoms relatively easily. But when we are exposed to chronic growth restricting, punitive and distressful environment, our growth potential gets adversely affected. The outer environment affects the inner environment. The potential to be whole gets fractured.

Mindfulness practice is an inner work and relational work. We need to bring mindfulness to seven interrelated areas of our life; physical, breathing, mental, emotional, social, natural and spiritual. We need to set aside quality time to mindfully explore these seven significant aspects of our life. We need to practice it regularly, consistently and patiently. It is a good idea to do sitting formal mindfulness practice in a quiet place to avoid disruptions and distractions.

Acceptance is not passive. It is not cowardly. It is not aggressive. It is not submissive. It is not withdrawing from action. It is not resigning. It is not being a door mat.

Mindfulness practice of acceptance is a courageous act of being with what is inside of us. This is the time to pause (P) rather than react. It is time for us to take a few breaths. (E) We allow ourselves to recognize (R) our thoughts and feelings. It is an inner work. If I feel anger in me, I label the feeling as anger. If I feel anxious, I label the feeling as anxiety. If I feel sad, I label feeling as sadness. If I feel hurt, I label feeling of getting hurt. I do not become that feeling. (NI) I do not become that thought. We also become mindful of our bodily sensations and relax.

Acceptance (A) is the quality of presence. It is accepting nonjudgmentally what is unfolding within us. By processing our inner world of bodily sensations, thoughts and feelings mindfully, we become free from our conditioned and default mode of thinking and behaving. When we practice mindfulness, a shift takes place from focusing on the other’s behaviors to the impact of the other’s behavior on us.

Mindfulness creates an open space within us to empathically understand ourselves and the other person in our relationship. We objectively investigate (I) and inquire for a clear understanding of ourselves and others involved in the transactions. Mindfulness practice is an exercise in cultivating non-resistance. It opens our mind and heart. We invite ourselves to be with ourselves to learn how to make wise choices. (C) We do this inner work compassionately.

It is always a good idea to do interpersonal mindfulness work in our relationship. Aggressing, avoiding and ignoring each other, distancing from each other, giving a silent treatment, blaming oneself or the other or pretending everything is OK is not the wholesome way of resolving problems. We engage (E) ourselves with each other by inviting to do mindfulness practice with each other. We let the other person know what my need, value or desire not fulfilled by the other person, how I felt and request to be mindful of my need, value and desire in future. We invite the other person to do the same.

Such work creates and sustains authentic and compassionate healthy relationships. We learn to accept each other’s differences without crating distances. We learn how to be kind to each other and forgive ourselves and others in our relationship. We build bridges of respectful and loving relationships. We enhance each other. We blossom together.

P stands for Pause E stands for Exhale (Deep breathing) R stands for Recognizing NI stands for Not Identifying A stands for Acknowledging and Accepting I stands for investigating and inquiring C stands for Compassion, Clarity and Choice Making E stands for Engagement

PEACE RAIN

How we communicate has a significant impact on our relationship. Critical, judgmental and demanding communication disconnects us and creates walls between us. Nonviolent, mindful and compassionate communication builds bridges and deeper connection between us.

Steps for creating authentic and compassionate communication.

 Specific concrete behaviors we observe that affect us such as “I see you texting when I am talking with you.” (Notice the observation. It is non-evaluative, non-judgmental, and non- critical)

 Pause (P) and exhale (E) to create space within you so you do not react and throw a judgmental and critical angry arrow at him. Example: When will you grow up? How many times do I have to say the same words again and again?)

 Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge them (A). Allow yourself to experience and accept them. I am really irritated. I am upset. He does not respect me. It is awful. Notice: You are no more those thoughts and feelings (non-identification). You have freed yourself from those reactive thoughts and feelings. Identify you needs, desires and values that created the disturbing thoughts and feelings

 Make a wise choice(C). Respond, not react.

 Engage (E). Invite the other person to communicate. Express your empathetic understanding and compassion for the other person. Let the other person know how and why his behavior created upsetting thoughts and feelings in you.

 What specific behavior you would request him to do.

PEACE

Who doesn’t lie? Yes kids do and so do adults. We as adults as our kids’ primary role models, play a vital role in showcasing honesty-instilling a deep –rooted commitment to telling the truth. Why do we lie? To get out of trouble, for personal gain, to impress or protect someone or to be polite.

Address the subject of lying in an age-appropriate way. We need to learn how to respond, not react.

Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2 to 4)
Toddlers do not have a clear idea between truth and lie. Toddlers are trying to display their independence and they can make a power struggle or a battle of the wills out of any disagreement. Toddlers have difficulty expressing themselves in words. Around age 4, children become more verbal. Explain what a lie is and why it is no okay to lie. Avoid confronting the child or digging for the truth unless the situation demands more probing and more attention.

School Age and Big Kids (Ages 5 to 8)
Children at this age will tell more lies to test how they can get away with. Regulations and responsibilities are too much for children. Involve children in formulating rules and responsibilities they can follow and perform. Talk openly and empathically to the children. School age children are good observers. Provide good role modeling. Appreciate the positive behaviors of the children and encourage them to act positively.

Tweens (Ages 9 to 12)
Most children this age are on their way to formulating a hardworking, trustworthy, and conscientious identity. At the same time, they are more adept at maintaining lies. They may have strong feelings after lying. Be straightforward with your child to avoid mixed messages. Teach them how to be honest and still maintain respecting attitude. Social interactions can be very challenging at this age. Children who have an established relationship with their parents feel comfortable talking and disclosing information. Taking a moment to think about why they are lying will help you to respond to their lies more helpfully. Good role models are still crucial for your children.

Children give cues or signs that we need to attend to. Our child’s misbehavior is symptomatic of an underlying cause. It could be tiredness, lack of sleep or the child may be hungry. We need to address the underlying causes that give rise to the disturbing symptoms.

 We focus too much on negatives and ignore positives or take them for granted. We give a negative command ‘Don’t do this or that” rather than offer an alternative and give an explanation why and how it is helpful.

 We expect too much from our kids, more than thy can deliver. We assume our kids know more than they can accomplish. When a child misbehaves, show him an alternative, and let him observe a better way of behaving. We provide modeling. Children learn by what we do.

 Apologize when you do something wrong. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. We all are accountable for our actions. Emotions are difficult to control even for us as adults. Teach them to stop, breathe, recognize and respond.

 At times our children do what could be irksome. We may ignore some behaviors selectively if they are not harmful. When safety is not an issue, try watchful waiting.

 When you ask them to stop something that causes disruption, do not ignore, or react. Show them a yellow light and if they cross the line, they need to follow the consequences. They may lose the privilege of watching the TV until they do what they need to do. Do not give them vague warnings. Be clear and firm.

 Use time-out effectively. Do not use it as punishment or rejection, but use it for your child to calm down and reflect. It helps to hold a child to settle him down. It also helps to co-breathe with your child when she is upset or angry. Different children respond differently. We need to figure out what works for our child.

Mindfulness is paying attention non-judgmentally to what is happening internally and externally. There are four dimensions of mindfulness: Body Mindfulness, breath Mindfulness, Thoughts Mindfulness and Mindfulness of Feelings and Emotions. Practicing mindfulness also includes Mindful Eating, Mindful Walking, Mindful Talking, Mindful Listening and Mindfully Relating. We will have nine short video presentations of Practicing Mindfulness.

Let us begin with Body Mindfulness.

Let us sit on the floor or in a chair in an upright position, our head, neck, and back placed in alignment. If you feel comfortable, gently close your eyes or gently glaze on the floor. Sitting this way makes our body grounded, relaxed and alert. Take slow, deep and gentle breaths. You may place your hand on your belly. Notice the movements of your belly as you are breathing in and out slowly, gently and deeply. Let us take five deep breaths.

Pay your total attention to your body right from your toes to the top of your head. Our body is a gift of God. It is very precious. Scan your body in a compassionate and friendly way. Become aware of different bodily sensations you are experiencing at this moment. Some of them may be pleasant and some of them may be unpleasant. Without judging them, be mindful of the play of different sensations you are experiencing at this moment. You may notice your bodily sensations changing. Continue breathing slowly, gently and deeply. Notice how the energy flows in your body. Remain open to receive feedback from your body as you are slowly journeying through your body. If you feel tension in any part of the body, feel it non judgmentally, relax the parts of your body where you feel tension. Continue your belly breathing.

Pay attention to your eyes. Allow them to settle down slowly, slowly, slowly. Notice changes taking place in your eyes as you are breathing in and out slowly. Notice how the movements in your eyes are fading away. They are getting quieter. You experience stillness growing in your eyes.

Mindfulness is being fully present to what’s happening at the present moment in me and around me compassionately and non-judgmentally; what is here and now without being hijacked by the past that is already gone and the future which is yet to arrive. We live in a fast-paced world with a mart phone in our hand and a lap top in the front of us. No wonder why we do not find time to be with us and with others in our life. Practicing mindfulness helps to be focused and centered to be with ourselves and with others in deeper and more meaningful way.

The roots of mindfulness are in the ancient wisdom tradition of Buddhism. Buddhism offers us a way of understanding and alleviating suffering. In that way mindfulness is secular. One does not have to be a Buddhist or a Hindu to learn and practice Mindfulness.

Jon Kabat- Zinn introduced Mindfulness in Mindfulness-Based- Stress Reduction Program at the Medical School of Massachusetts University in Boston 35 years ago. Since then Mindfulness paradigm has been widely accepted and practiced by medical and mental health practitioners, schools, prisons and for treating veterans for post- traumatic stress disorder. Thousands of research studies have demonstrated physical, mental, and emotional benefits of practicing Mindfulness.

Ingredients of Healthy and Peaceful Relationship:

1. Connection, bonding, healthy attachment
2. Self-regulation. Regulate you own emotions.
3. Accept all emotions. Limit actions.
4. Empathize. Acknowledge child’s perspective. The child feels understood and feels safe to express his emotions and feelings. Listen to the child’s feelings.
5. Listen to your child’s vulnerable and threatening feelings. Encourage to express them.
6. Anger is mostly a defense against deeper feelings of hurt and disappointment.
7. Do not take it personally and resist the urge to escalate or retaliate. Mantra: This is not an emergency. Pause, breathe and respond. Do not react.
8. Don’t send a child away to calm down.
9. Help your child to be aware of her triggers and warning signs.
10. Teach him to pause and breathe.
11. Teach constructive problem solving.

Emotional Intelligence
Emotional engagement
Happiness and delight
Empathy and compassion
Self- esteem and self –worth
Persistence
Optimism
I can do it.
Resiliency